Safety cannot co-exist with shame

I talked about our own islands in my last post so let’s stay with that metaphor a little longer. (You’ll come to see how much I love metaphors. They’re especially helpful for working with the nervous system.)

For those of us with divergent nervous system, its common to come across well-meaning advice or therapeutic approaches that weren’t built with our systems in mind.

They might skip straight to internal shifts and solutions, asking us to leap across an impossibly large chasm to another island while everyone else gets to use a bridge. No one else sees the missing bridge because theirs has always been there. So of course no one can show us how to build our own.

Sometimes, they tell us to practice mindfulness or body awareness. But if you’re running from goblins on your island, being told to stop and just “notice your breath” feels like being asked to note your sensations without judgment while you get eaten.

Other times, they suggest the practice of acceptance. Not bad advice, but it can feel like being told to let go of the brand you’re clinging to while submerged in quicksand.

These are not bad skills. They are useful. Essential, even.

But they are not always possible at the beginning. And when we can’t make them work, we’re left feeling broken, alienated, and even less safe than when started.

Because what’s missing from most of this well-meaning advice is the assumption that we already have some baseline of internal safety.

That we already have an internal voice to take the edge off the chaos.

That we can pause without panic.

That we can accept without flooding.

For many neurodivergent folks and those with trauma histories, this just isn’t true.

We need co-regulation. We need coping. We need help and scaffolding to build bridges from scratch.

That doesn’t mean we’re doomed to stay on our lonely islands, forever number or distracting or leaning on others.

What it does mean is that cultivating safety has to come first. And cultivating safety is a process – not a mindset shift, not just a reframing of perspective. And certainly not a motivational quote.

And that’s really why I’m here. That’s the heart of why I’m writing this.

Because the thing that most of us carry, that immobilises us with its weight, is shame.

Shame might be the biggest goblin of all.

It grows every time we try something that “should” work but doesn’t.

It whispers that we’re defective, broken, or doing it all wrong.

And it tells us our difference is our fault.

Safety cannot co-exist with shame.

But shame cannot co-exist with unconditional love.

So if we want to feel safe inside ourselves, we have to gently — lovingly — untangle ourselves from shame’s stranglehold.

It’s not an easy road, especially when many of us have not felt what it is like to be loved the way we’re now learning to love ourselves.

But freedom lies ahead. So let’s keep going.

If any of this resonates, I hope you’ll stick around. There’s so much more to explore and learn about ourselves. So much to uncover in order to get to the light that I know burns bright in each of us. And it’s okay if you don’t fully believe this just yet.

For now, let me believe it for you.